How much of your time have you spent concentrating on your emotional problems and ignoring the needs of those around you?
In the depths of my depression, before I was medicated and in therapy, I probably spent almost all of my time intensely focussed on my darkness. I ignored the dogs, I ignored my Better Half, I ignored my friends; I just wanted to be left alone.
I can still get like that. When I'm "circling the drain" on my way down to the dark bottom, I will withdraw from my friends and from my Better Half. I'm not sure they even realize I'm doing that when I do though. I will ignore or turn my back on FaceBook. I will ignore my emails. I withdraw.
Fortunately, I'll do that for a little less than a week every month these days (one or two days halfway through my cycle, then two or three days towards then end of my cycle), usually when my perimenopause-fuelled PMS is kickin' my ass.
That seems to be the worst of my depression problems these days, and it is in fact pretty damned bad!! If I am at work then I will close my door and sob in my Insanity Corner. If I'm at home, I'll cry in the shower or go to bed early. I try not to cry in front of my Better Half or other folks. My Better Half has a hard time with my insanity, and it's just none of the other folks' business.
2 comments:
Withdrawing from the people in your life is a very common symptom of depression. I imagine it is a learned behavior because when we are depressed people don't know what to do to help, which hurts even more. I know people who actively cuss people out and cut ties in huge arguments only to have to work hard to make amends later.
Sometimes alone time is ok, but when you find yourself withdrawing too much of the time and find it actually is impairing your ability to function, getting lots of help is imperative. The very people we push away would be the ones most hurt if they knew they could have helped you but didn't know you needed the help.
I always deluded myself by saying if they were really friends, or if they really loved me, they'd be able to see my withdrawal as a cry for help. It turns out that people can't really read minds! It's just as well, I know what is going on in my mind and it scares me - I can only imagine how terrified my friends would be! :)
I am just so proud of you for sharing this. And I always admire that you are terse.
I'm finally realizing that I do experience depression, as well as anxiety. The anxiety comes first and then comes an inability to succumb to my demons. I the very early days of my "return" to the world, I too want to shut people out.
Program reminds me, "I need people." But there is such a disconnect between me and community, when I suffer. It is not just that others don't know what to do to help me--it is that I do not know myself what I need from people.
Even in knowing what help to ask for, when I feel like I am lying on my back with all four legs needing to be righted, and me and my turmoiled brain... not caring enough to try...
I wonder if you may be doing what I do, in my own stoicism: I retreat, and can't/won't share my pain because I also want to protect those people nearest to me....
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